I haven't really delved recently into the emotional aspects. I'm trying to catch up a bit, and racing through. But it wasn't easy, even with Ella's move to a lower-level NICU hospital. At this point, it was all still very numbing, and I suppose rather difficult to get a grasp of. Going into the experience, I was repeatedly warned it would "be a roller coaster." I came to hate that term, still do, I heard it so many times.
I was confused and still terribly afraid, and had no idea that I would be bringing this child HOME at some point. It was such a foreign concept, even as this child really became a person. The nurses would tell me later how worried they were for me, as every little thing resonated so deeply. I'd never been through this before. I didn't know what to expect, despite any kind of education. Part of me, I guess I need to admit, couldn't comprehend it someday would be over.
One thing that was happening had to do with my milk supply. Simply put, it was dwindling. It's a common thing with mothers of preemies. Although I was pumping, it wasn't the same. The body recognizes and responds to a baby, not a machine. So this potential loss was terrifying for me. Breastfeeding was something I could still preserve from everything that had been lost.
So I did a little digging, and discovered my options. Two drugs are known to promote lactation. One exacerbates depressive symptoms to the point one is ready to die. The other is not sold in the United States. Obviously, the first was out. So I turned to the Internet and found the second one, domperidone. And I ordered it. It came from Thailand. I had to wait. And fret.
So. Let's do some more racing through the calendar, and I'll even include a few photos.
Nov. 17 (first day at new hospital): Went with son, dad and sister to see Ella:) back on CPAP because they don't do high-flow oxygen; she's 915 g — 2 LBS!
18: To see Ella:) Held her but she's back to same issues with stupid CPAP. They're watching iron level, too. I feel so scared.
19: To see Ella:) 940 g, blood test excellent (EPO working!) Held her for a long time w/son
20: To see Ella:) 950 g. Back on CPAP after hard night.
21: Ella: doing well — esp. w/CPAP. 950 g.
22 (Thanksgiving, aka day after horrible root canal!): To see Ella:) On nasal prongs! 960 g. I her her for 1 1/2 hours:) She knows my voice — wakes up and listens and looks at me!
23: To see Ella:) 820 g (2 lbs. 4 oz.); held for hour 15 mins.; feisty — she peed on me while I changed her poopy diaper! :)
24: To see Ella:) 1040 g!
25: To see Ella:) Same weight. Held for long time. SO alert! Down to 1 liter oxygen.
(The SO alert note ... When I was holding her, she actually lifted her head and just stared at me! She's still 2 1/2 months before her due date, but this little baby girl LIFTS HER HEAD and looks me in the face, straight on, as if to say, "Hm. So that's what you look like." I was, to put it mildly, astounded.)
26: To see Ella:) w/son. To 1/2 liter oxygen; harder time, but good; 2.6 lbs.
27: To see Ella:) 2.8! Held long time — she watched me for long time. But having harder time again (like when first born). (Scratched out this day is a class my son and I were going to take called "Siblings are Special.")
28: No entry.
They'd burrito-baby swaddled her, as usual, which she didn't care for.
So she somehow managed to stick her foot out the side!)
29: Dad over @ noon to see Ella:) Doing well — 2.9. She fountain pooped on me. Held her, too.
30: To see Ella:) 2.10. Held for long time. She's getting vocal!!
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In the middle here someplace, just as my supply was down to almost nothing, the illegal drugs arrived from Thailand. And I started to take them. And they worked!
