Isn't it crazy? I mean, ALL of it. That my daughter was born into this world weighing less than a large container of yogurt? That within her tiny body was every building block, every miniaturized version of EVERY single physical element she will need to become ... become MORE?
Having Ella has changed my life, redefined my existence once again, in so many ways. My smug certainties teeter now, as I have been forced to re-evaluate just about everything in my staid world. What does life mean, even? When I come in to see this red being of skin and bones, ribs so starkly visible, to know everyone is working so desperately to continue this life? And then comes the point where it is made real, where this being ceases to be clinical and transforms into my daughter. That yawn and stretch was that very moment. And how magical to bear witness to it!
Of course, the guilt piles on, as I wonder how I betrayed her in my disbelief. I vow to never doubt this little child again, but how do I make up for ever doubting to begin? Even when I couldn't have begun to fathom how to believe.
There she is, so utterly human, enjoying this astounding stretch and yawn. If she is suffering, a thought I cannot bear, there is no evidence of this as she enjoys a most fundamental human pleasure. It's more than a mechanism of survival, more than an instinctual reflex. There is no possible way for me to explain how profoundly this affected me.
9. No entry.
10. To see Ella:) with Dad and son.
11. Ella: Nurse says she smiled. Had a good night.
12. To see Ella:) just me ... Got to hold my girl for 1/2 hour ! ! ! Took temp, changed diaper. She was hiccuping, too:)
13/14. Ella:) Increasing food to 1/2 milk 1/2 formula to increase calories. Also giving shot 3x week, 2 weeks to boost blood/iron (EDP?) I'll get to hold her more often after her weight goes up. She coughed 2x. I pumped there 1x.
15. To see Ella:) 883 g.; held her, changed diaper. VERY alert. PICC line removed yesterday. EPD shot yesterday for boosting red blood cells. Milk/formula is still 2/3-1/3 Doing well! Food tube through nose — her mouth is unencumbered now:) (I go to son's school for conference, which is the first time I read his story, "Ella & Me.")
