She's 1!

Or I guess I should point out, 1 and two days. Wow. I wondered if I'd write on her first birthday, just a quick line, but figured I wouldn't have time. I was right.

There was so much going on, getting ready for her party and doing other house stuff. So the actual day passed, and I didn't really feel its effects like I thought I would. You know -- living in the past, the "this is where I was in the hospital exactly one year ago" stuff. There was just too much to revel in in the present to let myself become preoccupied.

Then today came. The family and I went down to the waterfront for trick or treating, as we do every year. Last year, it was on Sunday, the day after I'd been discharged and just four days after my C-section. But I still went, even in my dazed over state. I was really tired and not moving so quickly, but determined to do it for L even though a member of our family wasn't with us.

This year, she was:)

There's a water fountain by the aquarium that draws L every time like a bee to pollen. He can't spend enough time there. So I was sitting on the bottom level with the baby while he and my sister were playing up top. And I started to think about the previous year. And I held Ella closer to me. And snuggled my face into her shoulder because I was crying all of a sudden.

Watching her take everything in in that very wise, observant way she has, looking at the sun sparkling in her hair and eyelashes, kissing her cold-reddened cheeks ... and then thinking about the activity of the past two days and how well she did with everything ... And then knowing how much she loves me. ME. How she reaches out for me all the time. How she becomes upset if I set her down or hand her to anyone else. And watching her brother play ... As cheesy as it sounds, my heart was so full of love and gratitude. And this brought the tears.

And then I noticed the guy fishing for coins out of the fountain.





I started to get so mad as he moved from place to place, fishing out the coins. I didn't care about whatever dire need drove him to do it. I only worried that he was stealing people's wishes! Parents walking by with trick-or-treaters would look then be taken aback, pulling their children abruptly away. I just sat and watched as my tears dried. Thoughts raced through my head about chastising him. But he looked pretty grouchy and I wasn't about to step in it.

So I started to think, OK. The wish is made when the coin is tossed and the person walks away. He can't be stealing wishes, and if the money helps him, then who am I to become so judgmental?

And then he came closer.

I looked into the water by us, and there was a big silver coin. I knew he was coming for it. He set his pack down and rolled up his sleeves, right next to us. He reached into the frigid water and swooped it out effortlessly. Pulled his clutching hand out, shook the water off and rolled his sleeves back down.

And reached over.

And gave Ella the coin.

As a birthday approaches ...

... here's a present for you!

March of Dimes

Hi stranger!

So as Ella's birthday fast approaches, I'm reminded of a yearly event sponsored by the March of Dimes: The NICU Day of Gratitude. It's a day where NICU families and staff reunite to see how far the babies have come. Last year, it was held about a week after Ella's birth. It was comforting for me to meet some of the families who had already endured the experience I was yet to face.

I'm sure you already know about the work of The March of Dimes. If not, I've added a handy link at the top of this page. And I've also posted a brief synopsis of Ella's story on the site as part of a nationwide "quilt." If you follow the link, you'll be able to search for her and to leave comments.

NOTE: I don't know if her story's up just quite yet, so please check back. It might need to go through official channels first. In the meantime, click around and read some of the other babies' stories. You'll see how special Ella really is in this world.